What Happens After We Die?

It's been a rough year.  I've been thinking quite a bit about death, and what happens after we die.  Obviously, it's of great interest to me, since so many people and pets I know and love are dead now, and others are old enough that I know it's only a matter of time.  I've tried various spiritual paths in an attempt to find beliefs that make sense to me, but so far nothing has permanently 'clicked' in terms of being just right.  I think the real problem is that NO ONE knows for sure what happens to us and where we go (if anywhere) when our bodies die.  And that is what I want to know.

I once went on a shamanic journey to meet Death.  I found what I was looking for, and I will never be foolish enough to try that a second time.  However, even that experience didn't answer the question of what happens to us after we die. Death is not a static thing or even a state of being, but rather an event that transitions us from being alive here on Earth to... being something and/or someplace else.  Or perhaps not.

I do believe that there is something beyond this life other than oblivion; there are too many people who have had near-death experiences who have shared them to make me believe otherwise.  And while I am okay with not knowing all the details, I have to admit I would love to find out more about what is or is not on "the Other Side".  Hey, I'm only human!  ;-)

One of the reasons I no longer follow any of the current spiritual paths (other than occasional forays into the shamanic one) is because I have found too many contradictions within them, and too many things that don't add up when looked at as a whole.  For instance, I was raised LDS (Mormon), and one of the beliefs of that church is that those who attain the highest glories of heaven (the Celestial Kingdom) but who were not sealed to their spouse in an LDS temple will be 'servants' to those who are sealed to their spouses.  This makes NO sense to me, and never did.  Why would a loving and compassionate god force people who had obeyed his commandments, but for whatever reason were not married to another Mormon in a Mormon temple (like maybe they joined the church after marriage but their spouse didn't join), to spend eternity waiting on people who were lucky enough to have what they didn't?  That would be HELL, plain and simple!  If there really was  a "one true God" who knows and sees everything, I don't believe He/She would be that mean or petty.  Same with babies and small children going to somewhere 'lower' than Heaven just because they died before being baptized into a church, although this aspect seems to have been dropped by most religions now.  (This also has me wondering who made that decision -- God, or someone else?)

I followed the Wiccan path for many years, but eventually realized that Wiccans don't really know any more than the Mormons do about what happens after death, they're just much more flexible about the possibilities.  I studied the shamanic path for awhile as well, but then decided to take a break from all spiritual and religious exploration and give myself room to just breathe and think about it all.  That is where I am at this point in time.

So I'm open to any and all thoughts, beliefs, hopes and speculations about this subject.  What do YOU think/believe/hope happens after we die?  Where (if anywhere) do we go, and what (if anything) do we do?  This inquiring mind would really like to know...

Medusa: Eyes of Stone

Here is a poem I wrote back in 2010, when I was studying and working with Medusa as a matron goddess.  I've always seen Her as a guardian and avenger of abused and threatened women.  It goes well as a precursor to my short story, although it won't be published with it.  So you get an exclusive here...  Hope you like it!


Eyes of Stone

You look at me with
Your eyes of stone
But I stare back at you
And still breathe

Don't try to petrify me
With your gaze, honey
It won't work on me
We have the same wounds
The same anger

The same eyes

It probably wasn't your fault
He came after you
Any more than it was mine
But who believes us?
Obviously we asked for it
Or it wouldn't have happened

After all
It's not like they have any self-control
You can't expect them to take
No for an answer

Yeah, I don't believe that
Any more than you do

Got any extra snakes?

"All shall be well, and all shall be well..."

 


"... and all manner of things shall be well."

Julian of Norwich was a very wise woman, I think.  She knew, probably from experience, that there are times in our lives when we just need someone to tell us that "all will be well".  It doesn't usually matter who says it; when our world is falling down around our ears, we just need to hear that everything is going to be all right.  And it sounds just as good to me coming from a woman who lived in the 1300s as it would from a close friend.  You can feel the love and peace coming from her words.  She reminds me of a mother whispering in the dark to her child who is ill or has had a bad dream.

Very little is known about her life, including her real name.  Here is part of what is written about her in Wikipedia:

"Julian of Norwich lived in a time of turmoil, but her theology was optimistic and spoke of God's love in terms of joy and compassion, as opposed to law and duty. For Julian, suffering was not a punishment that God inflicted, as was the common understanding. She believed that God loved everyone and wanted to save them all. Popular theology, magnified by catastrophic contemporary events such as the Black Death and a series of peasant revolts, asserted that God punished the wicked. Julian suggested a more merciful theology, which some say leaned towards universal salvation. She believed that behind the reality of hell is a greater mystery of God's love. In modern times, she has been classified as a proto-universalist, although she did not claim more than hope that all might be saved.

"Although Julian's views were not typical, the authorities might not have challenged her theology because of her status as an anchoress [an enclosed nun who never left her cell]. Her theology was unique in three aspects: her view of sin; her belief that God is all-loving and without wrath; and her view of Christ as mother."

This is probably why she was canonized as a saint.  People felt comforted by her words, that there was still hope to be found in the midst of misery and fear.

Earlier today, when I talked to my mom, she asked me to call the Social Services person at the nursing center and speak to her about when my mom might be able to go home.  She was annoyed because they had told her she wouldn't be ready "for at least a few more days."  I promised her I would call the woman tomorrow.  As I hung up the phone, I felt my stomach clench.  Huh??  I DO want my mom to go home, right?  Of course I do.  So why did I feel like the bottom was about to drop out of my world?

After thinking about it for quite some time (in between doing various work things, of course), I suddenly realized that it didn't matter what the verdict was; my stomach clenched because my world is going to change yet again.  Whenever my mom goes home, I'll have to go up and spend a few days with her to get her settled, which will totally change my schedule, and then I will go back to worrying about her living alone.  If she doesn't go home soon, I will have to deal with listening to her anger and frustration at having to stay there longer, and I will also continue to worry about possibly having to switch her from Medicare to Medi-Cal and all the red tape and money issues that go with that.  Either way, I will still have to deal with new issues, and I don't want to.  I'm just barely coming to terms with the situation as it is right now.  

But when Julian of Norwich calmly and gently tells me that "all shall be well", I can take a deep breath and relax.  Whatever happens, all shall be well, because she said so.

My New Gothic/Shadow Sabbats

One of the difficult things about being a pagan goth, at least for me, is celebrating the Sabbats in the traditional manner.  I have no problem with late summer and fall harvest festivals, like Lammas (aka Lughnassagh),  the Autumn Equinox (Mabon), or Samhain/Hallowe'en, or with deep winter celebrations like the Winter Solstice (Yule).  But somehow, I just cannot get excited about rituals involving standing out in the sun for any period of time, let alone being HAPPY about it!  So Sabbats such as Imbolc/Candlemas, the Spring Equinox (Ostara), Beltane/May Day, and especially the Summer Solstice (Litha) can be a real problem for me.  However, I have found a few "darker" ways to get around this dilemma.

Frankly, a couple of these Sabbats have absolutely NO meaning for me.  Beltane (May Day) was originally a fertility festival, which is fine if you are trying to have children, grow crops or a garden, raise animals, or "birth" something in your life.  And although I've always enjoyed rituals for Lammas, the August festival of "first fruits", again, there isn't any real meaning for that in my life.  So I decided to remove these from my calendar entirely, unless and until I can find some good reason to celebrate them.  However, I added the Mexican Days of the Dead in November ("Dias de los Muertos") because four days of celebrating and honoring the dead just seem SO appropriate, especially right after Samhain!

I have already replaced Imbolc with the Celebration of the Eternal Maidens/Youths I described in my previous post. Here is my projected list of 'new and improved' Sabbats:

February 1 or 2: Imbolc  "Celebration of the Eternal Maidens/Youths"

March/April:  Ostara (Spring Equinox)  "Celebration of Coming Forth by Day"

June:  Litha  "Welcoming the Waning Year"  (the day after the Summer Solstice)

September:  Mabon (Autumn Equinox)  "Into the Darkness"

October 31: Samhain/Hallowe'en  "Final Harvest: Honoring the Dead"
                    (similar to Samhain and Hallowe'en combined)

November 1-3:  "Days of the Dead  (Dias de los Muertos)"

December: Yule  "Winter Solstice: Night of Shadows"

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term "coming forth by day", the generic name of the so-called Egyptian Books of the Dead was "The Book of Going Forth by Day".  They were individual collections of various prayers, formulas, spells and information written for the dead to help them get past all the dangers of the Underworld so they could reach the Hall of Judgment in safety, and then telling them what declarations to make to the gods so they would hopefully be admitted into their version of the Afterlife. Each "book" (which might be written on papyrus scrolls, on the inside of the coffin, or even on the tomb walls) was specifically geared toward the individual who purchased it, so they are all somewhat different.  In creating this particular celebration (which is still a work in progress), I changed the word 'going' to 'coming' because I am building it around the idea of the dead 'coming' to us instead of us 'going' to them.  Well, it makes sense to ME, anyway...

So, what holidays do YOU really celebrate, and how do you celebrate them? 

My "Celebration of the Eternal Maidens/Youths"

For most pagans, February 1 is known as either Imbolc or Candlemas.  It is considered the actual beginning of spring, when the earth begins to awaken after her long winter sleep.  However, for the last few years I have been celebrating my own more goth version, which I call the Celebration of the Eternal Maidens/Youths. 

I began by going to my local grocery store and buying white flowers.  I try to find the less expensive ones that have many blooms on fewer stems; they don't have to be fancy, no need to spend a lot.  I cut the blooms off the long stems, leaving individual flowers with stems only a few inches long, and put them into a small basket.  Then I took them to the local cemetery, to the older section, which has an area dedicated to the graves of children.  I looked for the ones under 16 years old, with no flowers, toys or other signs that people are visiting them.  And on each lonely, untended grave, I placed a small white flower, then read the child's name out loud. 

These are the children who will never grow old, the Eternal Maidens and Eternal Youths.  May they dance forever in the sunshine.

"S/he who can be named is remembered.  S/he who is remembered lives."   

                 

Appreciating the Darker Deities

This post started out as a reply to a comment sent to me about my "Being a Pagan Goth" post.  For some weird reason, I got it as an e-mail, but the comment never actually showed up on the post.  As I was replying to the e-mail, lots of things I never intended to say suddenly started spilling onto the screen.  I decided that Someone was trying to tell me Something, and obviously wanted me to share it, so here is my attempt to do so.

The comment I was replying to was in regard to Dark deities, many of whom are considered to be evil by people who don't know anything about them, including fellow pagans who should know better.  For example, Kali, Hekate, The Morrigan, and the "trickster" gods like Set, Loki and Coyote, are often considered to be evil deities who spread death, destruction and chaos wherever they go.  However, this is not always the case.

The Dark deities are awesome, but they are NOT evil.  They are part of the Balance, the ancient Egyptian concept of Ma'at, or Cosmic Order.  I do believe that Evil exists, but anyone, Light or Dark, can do evil things, sometimes with the best of intentions.  Even those gods who kill or destroy are not necessarily evil, but they ARE necessary, and we must learn to appreciate them in order to truly appreciate the deities of Light.  Like us, they each have both Dark and Light inside of them, although one is usually found in greater measure than the other. 

Hekate is one of my favorite and most honored matron deities; She has given me great advice and much comfort over the years.  Others whom I honor are Sekhmet, Djehuti (Thoth), Anpu (Anubis), Odin, and Gaia.  In the past I have also worked with Erishkegal (a goddess of death) and Oya (a guardian of cemeteries, among other things).  Of all of these, only Gaia is not considered to be a Dark deity, yet in the past few decades we've all seen the destruction that Gaia or "Mother Nature" has unleashed across our planet.  I'd definitely consider that to be Her "dark side", don't you?

I've often wondered why almost all of my patron/matron deities are those usually referred to as Dark.  I think I'm drawn to them because I feel most comfortable with them, both because of my goth tendencies toward death and the shadow side of things, and also because these deities are so down to earth and in-your-face about the realities of life.  They don't pull their punches, but they DO tell you the truth, both good and bad.  I'm tired of all the "what you think about you bring about" and "you create your own reality" slogans that try to convince us that ignoring the shadows and the darkness will make them go away, and then our lives will be all rainbows and sunshine and fluffy bunnies.  That is NOT how life works, and all the positive affirmations in the world will not change that.  We as goths should understand that, and be glad of it!  (Who wants all that horrible sun and those stupid fluffy bunnies around, anyway???)  However, we can live with the shadows and the darkness AND the sunshine around us, as long as we understand that it's all part of the Circle of Life.  

Just make sure to bring your parasol.

Being a Pagan Goth

I am a pagan goth.  This isn't a particularly unique combination, nor is it any more special than any other types of pagans or goths.  There are Jewish goths; there are quite a few Christian goths, although in my experience they aren't always welcomed by mainstream Christian churchgoers unless they hide their goth tendencies.  I'm sure there are Buddhist, Hindu and Muslim goths, although I haven't met any yet.  And of course, there are many goths who are agnostics or atheists.  But what is it that causes so many goths to explore alternative spiritual paths such as Wicca, Asatru, or Shamanism? 

One reason, of course, is that pagan paths are not 'mainstream'.  As with the goth subculture in general, pagans are free to be themselves and follow their own spiritual inclinations, and there are many different paths to follow.  And for some, becoming goth and becoming pagan are both ways of rebelling against either society in general or their families in particular.  But while some people spend years exploring other paths only to eventually return to the one they originally left, others, like me, find that greener grass really IS on the other side of the fence.

My personal journey began at around 36, after my divorce.   My church friends were an incredible support to me during and after my separation and divorce, but I was having a hard time with some of the dogma itself. I was finding it harder to believe that a single, omnipotent male god REALLY runs things all by Himself; if we were supposed to be "made in His image", where was His female counterpart???  Because a male god sure never has periods, or gives birth, or does a lot of the other things women get stuck doing in this life! Yet, according to the church I grew up in, only men can do certain things and hold certain powers in both this life and the afterlife, while the women who work beside them and support them (and raise their children) are still considered to be dependent on the men, and there is no position in the church that gives a woman authority over any male over the age of eleven.

So I started looking at other paths, Wicca being the one that drew my attention the most. I followed that path for several years, even organizing and running my own coven. I have also participated in some Dianic goddess groups, and enjoyed them thoroughly.  However, over time, my searching has drawn me more and more toward shamanism.

Shamanism, like most pagan spiritual paths, is not about hierarchy or dogma.  It is also neither totally male- nor female-oriented, although it does vary from culture to culture; in some the shamans are male, in others they are female, in still others they can be both, and then there are those cultures whose shamans are all transgendered.  But to me, one of the best things about shamanism is that you don't have to believe in 'gods' per se.  Some cultures do, while others believe more in 'spirits', who are powerful in many ways but not, like gods, in ALL ways.

I'm not sure I believe anymore in 'gods' as we define the term, one or more omnipotent, all-seeing beings who can choose to reward or punish us, depending on whether or not we follow their rules.  But I CAN believe in spirits whose powers are far greater than those of humans, yet are on a lesser scale than those whom we term 'gods'.  This would really help explain why some prayers are answered while others are not, why bad things happen to good people, and why sometimes the bad guys DO win.

All of these could be reasons why many goths choose to follow, or at least explore, non-traditional spiritual paths, but I'm sure there are other reasons as well.  Do you follow such a path, and if so, what was it about that path that called to you?