It's been quite a while since I've posted anything of a personal nature; my last truly personal post was back in May, when I wrote about being invisible.
I believe I have mentioned the situation with my mom's emergency heart surgery in January and her seemingly never-ending recuperation due to an infection that will not go away, as well as the parallel issue of my grandmother's fall and subsequent decline and death. However, although those things are partly what inspired this post, they are not the main reasons, nor the main issues.
The fact is, I am bored and frustrated with my life and the standstill that it seems to be in. It occurred to me the other night, as I was thinking about this, that every one of my past hobbies and enjoyments are no longer of interest to me, and I have almost nothing to replace them with. Dance, poetry and music have been a HUGE part of most of my life. From childhood into adulthood, I wrote poetry, most of which I still have and enjoy re-reading on occasion. I listened to music all the time, but also loved to play and sing as well; I played the clarinet for five years (from 5th through 9th grades), and taught myself to play the guitar as a teen. I have been both a church chorister and a choir director, and have sung in several church choirs as well. I was a professional bellydancer for almost 20 years, and in the process learned to play zills (finger cymbals) and do some very basic drumming. All of this has gone by the wayside in the last several years, and I'm not sure why.
So I am doing my best to create an "updated" life, with new hobbies and interests, and (hopefully) a new career and job to go with them. I've got a decent number of wonderful pen pals with whom I correspond regularly, and the meetup group events and people are fun, when I can get to them. I have also pinched Stuart's bass guitar and its accoutrements from his room, and I am going to attempt to learn to play it. (I bought it for him for Christmas while he was still in high school,
and he hasn't used it in years, so I am repo-ing the entire setup. Move over, Patricia Morrison!) And I've decided to try creating some gothic-style decorations to spruce up our apartment and garden.
As far as job hunting goes, I have spent quite a bit of time improving my resume and my LinkedIn profile and connections. I also frequently check the online job boards of various museums and anthropological associations. However, in the six years since I received my MA, I have been searching constantly, have applied for the few local jobs I found that I was both qualified for and interested in, and haven't ever gotten as far as an interview. This situation has caused some serious depression on my part, and I'm honestly not sure how to deal with it anymore. I feel like I wasted my time going back to school for eight years while working 40 hours a week and raising a family. Was it worth it? With thousands of dollars in student loans coming due, I'm not really sure anymore.
What do YOU do to promote yourself when looking for a new career/position? Have you used LinkedIn or other online services? If so, how did they work for you? Do you have any advice, thoughts, or opinions you would like to share?
You definitely sound down in the dumps. My depression has been very similar to this. I'm a new graduate who has spent almost a full year seeking just regular employment (general labor and the like) and I haven't landed a job yet, although I have one interview so maybe things will look up soon. It can be really defeating to not find work in your industry or in general, but you're certainly not alone. I've talked to many people from all around the world who are struggling to find or keep employment. The economy is crap. The problem is is that we tend to internalize our failure to find jobs as being our own fault, but it isn't. You can write a stellar resume, you can apply for a job that you are completely qualified for and still not get it. Some employers want a candidate who is brand new to the scene, others want overqualified candidates. It's difficult to gauge what employers actually want, and it seems to be just luck (or who you know) if you happen to land an interview. There are tons of unemployed people that you're competing with and unless something wonderful happens to the economy soon you'll likely have to settle for a job that doesn't match your expectations - hopefully only temporarily.
ReplyDeleteI think you're doing the right things to get through your depression. You should definitely carry on with what you're doing. Keep putting out your resumes, get involved in community stuff like meet ups, and eventually you will probably come back around to your hobbies. It sounds like you just need a change of scenery and to get inspired. I get a little stir crazy from being at home all the time, it really helps to just get out of the house, even if only for a walk.
As for your accomplishments, I think you've done a lot but you still sound unfulfilled. I can relate to the regret of going to school. I'm in twenty thousands dollars of debt and for a Bachelors in Vis Arts, which is about as useful as degree out of a cereal box, and I definitely regret going. I don't regret working hard to complete my degree though. I acknowledge that I accomplished something, it's just not like I thought it would be. Now I'm stuck asking myself what's next, what in the long term do I want to accomplish with my life? I don't know the answer to that yet. I'm going to have to do a lot of self exploration to find it. Some people are happy just to get married, find steady employment and have kids. That's not for me, I really want to do something creative, otherwise I feel like I'm wasting my time. You sound like a creative type, perhaps you have a similar struggle? I'm sure if you give it time and just try to enjoy life for what it is, taking pleasure in the little things or trying new activities, you might find what you're looking for. Hopefully things will get better for you soon. :)
Thanks VERY much for the pep talk, I needed one! It wasn't so bad the first few years, but it seems to me that no luck for SIX years is a drag, and I haven't even broken any mirrors to deserve it... ;-)
DeleteGood luck in your own search, and in paying off that loan debt. Mine is over $60,000 and I haven't been able to make a dent in it yet. Oh well, at least they can't take what I don't have, so that's another thing to be grateful for! :-)
Whoa... this sounds like me. My depression spiraled out of control last year. I am just now starting to pick up the pieces. I have no friends, family or hobbies. All my doing. I can't handle it. I completely understand where you are coming from.
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you for picking up the bass. It may seem like a small step to others but from a fellow sufferer, I think it's a huge leap. I've always wanted to learn to belly dance. How did you get started? Any pointers for a beginner?
Thanks for your comments, and I'm SO sorry you are dealing with all of that, too. I hope you're able to put at least most of the pieces back together.
DeleteThe nicest thing about bellydancing is that anyone can do it, and I mean that literally! Weight, body size and age have very little to do with it. I've seen a 250+ pound dancer GLIDE around a picnic area, and she had the audience eating out of her hand! One of my students and troupe members was over 60 when we met, and she danced in public until she was almost 71. I was lucky enough to live about a mile from a bellydance school, which is where I started, but you can find teachers in most places. Since I don't know where you live, I can't be specific, but if you google bellydance classes in your state, you should be able to find at least one teacher near you. If you totally live in BF Egypt and there is NO ONE for miles, you can order DVDs of lessons and workouts and do it at home. But honestly, the best way to learn is to take group classes and go to as many dance festivals as you can. The two biggest here in northern California are Rakkasah and Desert Dance Festival. There are now actually TWO Rakkasah festivals, "West" (in CA) and "East" (in New Jersey). Most of my teachers and inspirations are now retired so I can't recommend them, but I'm sure you'll get a lot of ideas from just watching other dancers. And there are goth/gothic belly dancers and troupes as well, which I'm guessing might interest someone whose name is Spookiness. :-)
Feel free to e-mail me anytime if you want more info, or just want to chat.
I used to play bass! I know what it is like to be depressed. I came out of a huge depression two years ago that lasted several years so I know where you are coming from. Be proud of the fact that you are starting to pick up the pieces this quickly and please, do not let the job hunting get you down. I know how stressful and frustrating it can be, especially when you don't get the job. Take one day at a time and I really do hope things get better for you
ReplyDeleteThank you! I find it very interesting that every single one of the online "tests" I've taken to "find out if you are suffering from depression" has told me that I'm NOT depressed, nope, not at all! Yet so many people here are totally validating my depression. This tells me that whoever created those "tests" has NO idea what they are talking about...
DeleteNow I'd like to pick your brain for a minute. Any suggestions for learning the bass, and where I can find music and/or instructions??? Feel free to e-mail me privately if you'd like. Any info would be greatly appreciated! :-)
I love the quote at the top.
ReplyDeleteI'm down to $75,000 in student debt so I *sorta* understand the feeling but I did find the right job for me so in my case it financially was worth it.
Among my friends, I'm notorious for my 5-year-plan. When I was in graduate school, I started writing the Chair of the English Department of the university where I currently work asking about what kind of qualities the department hopes to find in a candidate. I listened to the advice and really tried to mold myself in some ways. I would recommend professional stalking aka networking-- finding a company where you'd like to work and politely seeking advice. It takes work but if you can write out a canned email and send it to several potential employers, it's a start. Of my peers from the doctoral program, very few of us have actually landed the coveted tenured position. I'm in my dream job but I applied to about 50 other positions and only received one other job offer. It's tough out there; it isn't you.
You're "down to" $75,000 in student loan debt??? Gulp... I'm actually one of the people who processes financial aid for students here, so the thought of that much debt simply overwhelms and appalls me... But I'm glad you found a job that makes it worth it! :-) Of course, you have a doctorate, so that explains it; we only have one Ph.D. program here, and it's only a few years old, so I haven't really seen any of those.
DeleteThank you for this wonderful advice! I will absolutely take it, and see if I can rev myself up again in the process. And I know just the museum I want to "stalk", I actually was doing that a TINY bit, but backed off when nothing happened and the last person I knew there left. Guess I have nothing to lose by trying again!
(I stole that quote off the net...) ;-)
I can relate, Lucretia. I'm going through a lot of the same. You get to a certain point in life and it's as they say, "shit's gettin' real." On the one hand, we're (figuratively speaking) wondering if we're up to the challenges confronting us. On the other, we bemoan and are baffled by our loss of youthful enthusiasm, which is the very thing a person needs in order to get motivated.
ReplyDeleteAs for self-promotion, I'm not much good at it--modesty and all that. I'm really going to give it a try though, once I finish the project I'm working on. Projects are good. They help keep boredom and the blues away--well, at least a bay.
Thanks for the validation, and I'm sorry you've got similar stuff going on. I've always had difficulty with self-promotion (aka "bragging"), so I hear you there. But I'm making myself get better at it, at least I hope so! I'm too old for this messing around, time to get my brag on! ;-)
DeleteSometimes when things are tough you do have to make an effort to get back into activities! Work out if you want to do new things, get back to old ones etc! Have as much fun as possible! Go to or organise a picnic with some goths or craft group or something!
ReplyDeleteCan't help you with the career thing. Been the same for me. Lots of applications. A couple of interviews. Mostly get a stock email saying it went to someone else or no reply at all. It's hard out there!
I've been doing well with the goth meetup group, and that REALLY helps. It's the career stuff that gets me down the most. But I'm trying to get it through my head that it's not ME that's the problem, but rather the job market. As you say, it's hard out there right now.
DeleteFirstly, I'm sending you a great big cyber hug. I am also reading both yours and other peoples' levels of student debt with my jaw hanging open. I paid for my 2 UK based masters degrees myself - they cost me £7,000 for both (about $10,000) - those figures you guys have paid for your education are just staggering.
ReplyDeleteAnd that leads me to think that if your were willing to commit yourselves to such a huge financial burden that you must have had pretty strong reasons for going to uni. It may be depressing now, but I'm wondering how you felt that first day you turned up on campus and committed yourself to the programme. I know for me it was always a fizzy sort of excitement, a huge dollop of fear of the unknown (could I do it? would I be able to talk to anyone without getting tongue tied and inadequate?).
And nothing can take away the sense of achievement of getting that bit of parchment at the end. One of my masters helped my career, the other one didn't.
With regard to the museum you are intending to stalk - if you can afford it financially would you be able to offer yourself as a volunteer perhaps one day a week? That's worked for me in the past when eying up positions - I got 2 of my past jobs through my volunteering work. It proves your willingness, skill set, enthusiasm and ability to muck in and get on with anything. I'm about to start volunteering again 1 day a week with a charity who I know are keen to employ me if they raise enough funds.
If you (and indeed anyone else, Spookieness I'm thinking of you) ever wish to drop me an email you can get me at shattered_orb AT yahoo DOT co Dot UK (don't think it's on my wordpress account info).
Thanks, and hugs back to you! Yes, university debts are simply staggering here, and getting worse, unfortunately (I work in a Financial Aid office, so I know). The only thing that's kept me from giving up is that I DO want this career really badly, and that fire hasn't died yet. It was indeed a huge achievement getting those degrees, and since I went back to school for my BA when I was 38 and finished my MA when I was 46, I was older than most of the students AND some of the instructors, so I know all about that "tongue-tied and inadequate" feeling!! :-)
DeleteUnfortunately, volunteering is not an option, as I already work a 40-hour week and am needed by my mom every other weekend. And as I told linnea-maria (see below), volunteering in the U.S. has become a huge problem because so many places are supplanting paid workers with unpaid volunteers and interns. The Rosicrusian Egyptian Museum is absolutely one of those. My internship there was great, but the year I did volunteer there was a huge disappointment and waste of my time and energy, not to mention by abilities. But weirdly, I still want to work there, as it is EXACTLY the kind of museum I love and want to be a part of!
Thanks for the support, I really do appreciate it. And I will definitely avail myself of your e-mail address. :-)
The intern payment issue is a hot potato here in the UK - particularly in the arts field. There's been a few successful court cases against employers recently who've been replacing paid workers with unpaid interns who are to all intents & purposes doing a job. They've all had to pay out lots of money. However, I think our working rights in the UK are probably much more protected than those in the states, in part due to the European Union cracking down on this type of sharp practice.
DeleteTotally get why volunteering is out, and it sounds like you have the perfect experience anyway. I do feel for you :(
We've got unions here and some are very good, but not, I think quite the same thing as the EU! However, many places like museums don't HAVE unions, so you're probably right about it being better there than here. Which is weird, when you think of it... But anyway, at least we're not alone in this problem, so perhaps whatever you do there to solve/lessen can be used here as well.
DeleteIsn't it disgusting, though, that this kind of thing happens at all? I can't believe that people really expect others to work for nothing, or worse, to PAY to work, which is what some interns/volunteers do in come cases. As a volunteer there, I had to pay $20 for a background check AND $20 for a museum membership! They didn't make me do that as an intern, but they had just started accepting interns and I was only their second; they probably require it now.
I definitely like the idea of volunteering that breaking the angel suggested, I hope that you have time for doing that.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we are put in a gap in between things,I hope that the learning to play bass will be inspirational enough for you.
Thanks, I wish I did have the time! Unfortunately, I was only able to volunteer there while we were on work furloughs a few years ago and had every other Friday off (without pay), as they required 8 hours a month. That meant I was working six days a week every other week. Now that I'm "working" for my mom every other weekend as well as working 40 hour weeks, I just don't have the time or the energy for that. Besides, volunteering in the U.S. has become a problem, as way too many places are opting for "free" volunteers rather than paid employees.
DeleteI have used LinkedIn before, I do not anymore but I think it can be good. For me it was mostly looking around or word of mouth and just talking to friends of friends and networking or being a temp and than later getting hired on for full.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm currently using LinkedIn, but so far it hasn't done a whole lot for me. The best I can say is that it HAS helped me improve my resume and my cover letters, and given me ideas for dealing with interviews (if I ever get any!), which is great, but so far nothing in the way of actually GETTING interviews, or even finding jobs to apply for. But I'm still working on it. Thanks for the comment, it does help! :-)
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