Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Death Cafes, and Some Thoughts about Aging

Have you ever heard of gatherings of strangers in public places to discuss death?  I hadn't until a little while ago, when an online acquaintance posted about going to something called a Death Cafe.  After reading her post I got into one of those reflective moods... 

As you know, our culture does as much as it possibly can to cover up the fact that people die.  Corpses are pumped full of preservatives, then 'prettied up' as much as possible for their funeral; every effort is made to make them look like they are only asleep, so as not to upset their living friends and families.  They are then sealed in metal caskets and the grave itself is lined with concrete, ostensibly so that the ground won't sink after burial (which can happen), but also so that nothing nasty, like bugs or dirt, can get in. Most people just can't bear the thought of a friend or loved one (or themselves) rotting or crumbling into dust, no matter what the funeral prayers say.

After reading Lupa's Death Cafe post, I started thinking about aging and realized that, even though I'm not particularly afraid of dying, I am afraid of aging.  And I worry about the older members of my family as they age.

When I turned 50 last year, I tried very hard not to start thinking of myself as old.  Labels are limiting because our minds have been conditioned to accept them as the truth.  Old is a state of mind, not necessarily an age.  Old buildings, cars, art, music and books are often considered to be 'classics', and I think people should be thought of in the same way.  In my soul, I'm still somewhere between 16 and 30!!  As long as my health is good and my body holds out, I can probably stay in that age range for many years to come.  But for all that, I find myself glaring at my neck and a couple of other places that are starting to show obvious signs of aging, and wishing I had a magic wand...

This year my mother will be 78, and her mother will be 97.  They both use walkers now, grandma's memory is failing badly, and my mother is a later-life insulin diabetic who has also been on kidney dialysis for over three years and is having major trouble walking and standing.  They live in a tiny town about three hours away from me, at opposite ends of the same street but in separate homes.  I'm an only child, two of my mom's three siblings are dead, and their children don't keep in touch, while the remaining sibling lives much farther away from them than I do, and he and his wife have their own health problems.  I worry about my mother and grandmother a LOT, although I will never tell them so.  They are both very independent, and my mother does not want to live with us or anyone else; my grandmother might not mind, but if she did, my mom would be alone up there. 

An extremely large number of my friends and family, including my father, have died of various types of cancer; I've been to many more funerals in my lifetime than weddings.  The other day I pulled up Facebook (one of the rare occasions when I check it) and got hit with a message that a friend I haven't seen in several years was just diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer in both lungs.  This friend is probably 10-15 years older than I am, but that's still not really old
All these situations make aging seem like a horrible thing, and the fact that diseases such as cancer are becoming more common contribute to this feeling.  But is it actually aging that causes the problems, or are they simply exacerbated by aging?  Honestly, I think it's six of one and half-a-dozen of the other.

So what is the point of this post?  Well, it's weird to say this, but I think I'd rather just die than grow old first.  It seems a lot less scary and painful than aging first and THEN dying.  Maybe the movie "Logan's Run" wasn't so far off the mark, after all...

What are your thoughts about aging and death?  Does one seem worse than the other to you?  How do you cope with any fears you have?

12 comments:

  1. A good read. Of things you have written, this is some of the best because, it's real, and death is something none can deny.

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    1. Very true, it's real for everyone. Thanks!

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    2. You are more than welcome. Keep up the good work.

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  2. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I think my worst fear is to get demented or very ill for a long time. My grandmother is 91 and still going strong, both in mind and body, she thinks her life are boring though. My mother in law is 65 and have more physical issues than my grandmother, I would definitely not like to get sick right after my retirement :(. I think a playful mind is what keeping some people healthy and vital and of course eating what is good for themselves.

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    1. Yes, so many people look forward to retirement, only to end up getting Alzheimer's or cancer, or becoming chronically ill in some other way. It just doesn't seem fair... but of course, who said life was fair? :-(

      And I agree wholeheartedly with that last comment! Eating right and having a good attitude and 'a playful mind' are the best ways to stay both looking and feeling young. Not to mention doing the things you love with the people you love. And eating chocolate. And lots of other things that are making me smile now. :-)

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  3. Now you've done it! You've dredged up many of the same things I think about, perhaps way too often. I couldn't agree more about our culture not being able to cope with death or what it entails. And the most frightening thing about aging is... well, aging. I have often considered it far better to just go to sleep one night and not wake up again as opposed to the unavoidable suffering that everyone faces if he or she reaches old age.

    I have to agree with Linnea-maria who points out that a playful, youthful mind helps keep people healthy. I would also add that a healthy diet doesn't hurt either.

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    1. Hey, what can I say? Great minds think alike...

      An elderly gentleman I knew many years who lived in our apartment building ago died in his sleep. He lived alone, so when we got worried about him after a few days, the police had to break into his apartment to check on him. They said it was very peaceful, he just went to sleep and never woke up. And the last time we saw him, he was looking up at our window, laughing and waving at us. He wasn't ill or suffering, as far as I know. So I agree with you, that's the BEST way I know of to leave this life.

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  4. This is a very poignant topic for me right now, as I recently lost a close family member and another one has cancer. At 50, you ARE NOT OLD!!! My father is 50 (I am 32) and he is constantly fretting that he's an old man, which is ridiculous because he has more adventures and more energy than I do :). I'm certainly not going to call you old!

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    1. I'm SO sorry for your loss, and for your other family member's illness...

      I just found out that my mom's one remaining sibling has cancer now; apparently he's been fighting with it "on again, off again" for years without telling anyone, but now it's gotten really nasty, and he can't hide it anymore. We're not telling my grandmother until after his surgery, though. No sense in worrying her before we have to.

      Thank you for agreeing that 50 isn't old! I firmly believe that one must be AT LEAST 70 to even be thought of as old, or at least elderly. Maybe you have to be 80 to really be OLD...

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  5. I'm a firm believer in Hunter S. Thompson's theory that “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!”

    I don't eat right half the time, I don't exercise - really, I don't do any of the things I know I should be doing. But I'm not going to worry about any of it. And like you and Nightwind, I pray I just go to sleep one night and never wake up. Hopefully not for another twenty or so years, though ...

    P.S. Fifty's young. So's fifty-eight. ;o)

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    1. Oops, wait - I meant to say so's fifty-seven. Memory's going already. :P)

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    2. ROFL!!! I LOVE that quote but can never remember it completely, thanks for posting it! That's what I'm trying to do now that my son is an adult and I don't have to worry about raising him anymore. ;-)

      And I agree, both 57 AND 58 are still young. I'm doing pretty good with the eating, but exercise is a problem when I have no time to do it, no place to do it, and no money to pay someone make me do it, heheheh... It can be fun, though, so I guess I'll keep working on that!

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